Zvi Mowshowitz (thezvi) wrote,
Zvi Mowshowitz

Some Facts about Mike Huckabee that You Need To Know!

Guns don't kill people. Mike Huckabee kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Mike Huckabee allows to live.

Mike Huckabee does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Mike Huckabee is Pain.

There is no chin under Mike Huckabee' Beard. There is only another fist.

Mike Huckabee has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Mike Huckabee 3. Cancer.

Mike Huckabee drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Mike Huckabee is my Homeboy.

Mike Huckabee doesn't go hunting.... MIKE HUCKABEE GOES KILLING.

Mike Huckabee uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Mike Huckabee once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Mike Huckabee' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Mike Huckabee is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Mike Huckabee out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Mike Huckabee, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Mike Huckabee has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Mike Huckabee what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Mike Huckabee sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Mike Huckabee has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Mike Huckabee' fist.

Mike Huckabee invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Mike Huckabee Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Mike Huckabee can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Mike Huckabee once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Mike Huckabee' victims before they died? His shoe.

Mike Huckabee is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Mike Huckabee as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Mike Huckabee doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Mike Huckabee doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Mike Huckabee and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Mike Huckabee will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Mike Huckabee getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Mike Huckabee in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Mike Huckabee originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Huckabee replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Mike Huckabee once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Mike Huckabee played in second grade.

Mike Huckabee once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Mike Huckabee once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Mike Huckabee re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Someone once tried to tell Mike Huckabee that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Hucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Mike Huckabee once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Mike Huckabee is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Mike Huckabee.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Mike Huckabee's warm-up exercises.

Mike Huckabee is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Mike Huckabee turned that wine into beer.

Mike Huckabee can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Mike Huckabee.

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